well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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