how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
