Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
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How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
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I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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