it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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