I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
