my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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