meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
