Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
