My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
