the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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