Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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