Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
