we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We are two peas in an std pod
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
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