apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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