why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
