I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
