we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Life is so much better after having sex.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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