If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
