I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
