I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
