my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
