Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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