if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
