your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i think my cat just said my name.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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