You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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