If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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