I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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