If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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