WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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