bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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