Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
