if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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