I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
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You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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