so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
