i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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