The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
