I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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