i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Randomize
