It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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