i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
