Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
