this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
