i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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