Pants 0. Shit 1.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
