its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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