It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
