i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
