I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
