Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
