I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
