I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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