My friends, they love my intelligence
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
