My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
