I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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